my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
