fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
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