After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I can't turn off my feet"
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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