mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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