sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
