Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
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