OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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