This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
