I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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