I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
