Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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