and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Bring me that man meat
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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