she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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