fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
