Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Randomize
