having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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