i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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