then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
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