I just cut my nipple shaving
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Randomize
