I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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