My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
