TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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