I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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