I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
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He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
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I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
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