He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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