I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
