Acid is not a monday night drug
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
