The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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