I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Randomize
