My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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