She's JV to your varsity
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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