Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
