And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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