i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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