Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
