Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
