Swine flu. Run for my life!
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
