i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
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