i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
