why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
