I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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