I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
