dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
