1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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