I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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