i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
