I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
