how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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