bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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