I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
