There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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