these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
