I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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