Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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